one candle is enough...

Birthdays give me heartburn. This is surprising to most who know me. For a person who enjoys thoughtful contemplation, birthdays (the traditional time for such introspection) that my own birthdays are cause for such anxiety is perplexing. My guess is that birthdays cause me to look outside of myself instead of focusing inside... I have used January 13th as a day of comparison;

It's too close to Christmas, not like a June birthday which has no other festive competition. Humph! I am one year older, what do I have to show for it? Ugh! Am I doing as much with my life as Betty? She discovered a cure for cancer, is single-handedly saving the rain forest, has a pack of rescue dogs, has more Facebook friends than I do... and she is two years YOUNGER than me. Aaahhh!

I am (blank) years old and I still feel insecure and unsure that I am doing enough, wait, I am unsure that I AM enough. When will I be?

I had a wonderfully deep and profound conversation with a friend today about all of this wonderfully icky stuff that my birthday is bringing to the surface. Armed with nothing but oversized coffee mugs we sat down to tackle the issues. It was a long talk. She suspended her judgement and encouraged me to do the same... and then she shared her thoughts as only those truly insightful friends can be...

In a bright sunny room a candle can never know how bright it is, because there is light all around it. This is a world of duality and comparison. Light can only be known and appreciated when in comparison to dark. Just like wet vs. dry, or hot vs. cold. You can only know yourself in comparison to that which you are not. You need the dark for your light to show up.

So let's look at this comparison thing again...

Not next to anything else I am forced to see me for me, compared to me...
I am following my dreams, maybe not perfectly, but I am headed in the direction of my dreams. I am better today than I was yesterday, because that's what I choose. I am making better eating choices than I did last year.... and on and on.

So the image of the birthday cake today is to remind me to look at me in comparison to me, not against all the other bright and shining candles out there... to be comfortable with the dark, even if it does seem stark. And that one candle was enough.... enough to light up that yummy chocolate cake.

I am enough.